The Reason why I Started Writing and the Relationship with the “Of course”s in our Life
Why have I started writing?
That’s a good question that I think of sometimes; even if the answer pops up in my head instantly, it is somehow hard to accept it.
I have started writing as a form of therapy.
Every day, so many challenges, so much “out-of-the-box” thinking, so much “need” of being good in everything, good to everyone, please everyone, face criticism, face gossip, receive “advice” on what you should better do 🙄, to be good for you (it even sounds strange), that at a certain moment everything fell apart.
Everything I have done until that moment felt like not fitting in my life anymore. And that’s the moment I began asking myself questions about my own purpose, my own efforts, my own work, my own life.
Have I done everything for nothing? “Noooo…at least you have a profession”, they said. 👩⚖
Am I even happy? “Of course you are, you have your family, your boyfriend, your friends, what else could you want more?”, they said. 👪
Do I even do what I like? “Of course you do, why would have you chosen this path if not?” , they said. 📖 (have I?)
Is this where I wanted to be? “Of course, you left to fulfil your dream, right? You did what you wanted!”, they said. ☀️ (hmm…)
And these are only some of the issues I was waking up with every day and going back to bed with. And in all this time, I was “happy, of course”, I had everything, right? (“When you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!” 👐)
It’s funny how people think they know the “of course” in your life and how this “of course” if affecting you. How you feel so insecure about reaching expectations, how bad you feel just because you think of trying to do something else than everyone around you, how you feel as a disappointment to everyone, how you feel like all eyes are on you and you are paralysed.
Did you even know that you are not alone in this, that you are not the only one that has those moments when you don’t want to talk to anyone, because all you are going to receive it’s an “of course”? Yes, we are a lot out there!
And how did I start to see that?
Well…first through writing. At the moment I started putting all my words down, I felt relieved. And the more I was writing, the more I was feeling that the bad mood is going, the bad thoughts are dissipating.
But I started to feel that I am alone in this problem; I got afraid that someone will find my thoughts and threw them right back at me.
And, this is when I did two things; they worked for me greatly:
1. Open discussion with whomever you trust the most.
Personally, I began to discuss every feeling I had with my boyfriend (now husband) and he was beside me all along this road. Half an hour (or ok, sometimes a bit more) of “complaining”, some writing, and the bad thoughts during that day disappeared.
2. Find your community
I started to search for communities sharing the same issues. For me, it worked one meet-up group specifically, Lean In Women Lisbon International, where I found likeminded woman, with strong characters; they wanted to do whatever they wanted in life and not whatever society dictates them. After that, I even created one by myself, for researchers & PhDs, to meet with people from my domain. By starting to share a lot of my problems with others, made me realised how many of us are facing the same struggles.
Don’t you think that it all passed away overnight! The issues are still there and the “of course” it’s continuing. (“Thanks” for the ones that continue that, I really “appreciate” it)
What has it changed though? My writing and the open discussions with trusted and alike minded people that have succeeded on this road.
So, yes, I started using writing as a form of therapy to go over all the “of courses”, bulls**ts, pressures, freely given opinions & advice, that people feet entitled to throw them to you.
Feel free to do whatever you feel like to!
If you feel that there is no one there to support you, find your community, start writing, talking about your issues, playing music, drawing or everything that relives that anger and insecurity from you.
Note: This is just a personal advice, that worked for me and it is worth trying in your worst moments. However, if you feel like nothing is working and your thoughts are darker and darker, please go and ask for professional medical advice. It’s nothing wrong and shameful in that. It’s your life, the only one you have, so take care of it strongly.
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Thanks for reading!
Ana
